I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize