Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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