help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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