If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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