I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
