remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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