I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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