I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
