He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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