don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
