you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize