Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
