these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
