Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
