got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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