So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
