how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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