Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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