and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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