I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
