I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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