I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
