I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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