I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
