all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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