Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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