theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
