I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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