last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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