we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
