Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we're so committed to being not committed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
