she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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