if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize