I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
