dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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