Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
