what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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