a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
