I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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