On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
