Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
