Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
