you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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