dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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