I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
