i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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