Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
