I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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