One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
