Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I could fuck to npr.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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