Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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