your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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