i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
