If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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