I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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