Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just cropdusted the office
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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