John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
