I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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