Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize