I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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