If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
