I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
